I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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