I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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