OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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