If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
