did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I will pee on everything he values.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
