Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
