I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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