The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
