Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
