We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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