It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
