You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
