I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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