you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
