its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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