i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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