This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
