I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Randomize
