Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
