you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
