I was born with a shot glass in my hand
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
