all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
