Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
