she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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