I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
