yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
