i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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