I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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