I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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