We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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