..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
