There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
