We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Randomize
