the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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