He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
