If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I got inside last night via doggy door
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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