Kareoke will never be a sober sport
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
