She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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