At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
