FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
