Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
