Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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