Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
