Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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