I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
