if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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