if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Every concussion has its silver lining
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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