you would pick up someone in the library
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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