i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
