my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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