i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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