I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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