i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
