Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
