She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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